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We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations that Matter by Celeste Headlee3,499 ratings, 3.97 average rating, 456 reviews
We Need to Talk Quotes Showing 1-30 of 31
"The next time you are part of a conversation that goes awry, ask for feedback. Let the other person know that the exchange didn't go as you hoped and you wonder if you could have phrased things differently, or if you were focused on the wrong things, or if you didn't understand their point. Then listen. Listen to what they have to say without taking offense. Maybe start with someone you know well, like a sibling or a friend. Listening to constructive criticism is never easy, but if your goal is to become better at conversations, it's important to get an honest assessment of the areas most in need of improvement."
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
"In order to have important conversations, you will sometimes have to check your opinions at the door. There is no belief so strong that it cannot be set aside temporarily in order to learn from someone who disagrees. Don't worry; your beliefs will still be there when you're done."
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
"Highly educated people also tend to place a great deal of value on logic and discount the importance of emotion. You can't win a debate with an emotional argument, of course, but conversation is not debate and human beings are inherently illogical. We are emotional creatures. To remove, or attempt to remove, emotion from your conversation is to extract a great deal of meaning and import."
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
"it seems like we rarely converse anymore. I mean, we talk and we chat (often over text or e-mail), but we don't really hash things out. We spend a lot of time avoiding uncomfortable conversations and not enough time making an effort to understand the people who live and work around us."
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
"Sociologist Charles Derber describes this tendency to insert oneself into a conversation as "conversational narcissism." It's the desire to take over a conversation, to do most of the talking, and to turn the focus of the exchange to yourself. It is often subtle and unconscious"
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
"Through my experience and research, I've identified five key strategies that help facilitate a productive dialogue. They are: be curious, check your bias, show respect, stay the course, and end well."
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
"If we can learn to talk about the hard things, if we can find common ground and begin to discover the issues on which we can agree, it could be possible to solve some of the more intransigent problems we face."
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
"Three things happen when you apologize sincerely. First, you acknowledge someone's anger or sadness. You validate that they have reason to be angry or that their anger is real. This often disarms them. Research shows that, after the apology, they no longer see you as a threat or as someone who might again harm them. They drop their defensive posture. And finally, when you're successful, their brain prepares to forgive. They may even be able to move on from the source of injury entirely. Beverly Engel, a psychotherapist who specializes in trauma recovery, writes in her book The Power of Apology, "While an apology cannot undo harmful past actions, if done sincerely and effectively, it can undo the negative effects of those actions."
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
"Send compassionate thoughts to yourself. 2.Send them to someone you love. 3.Send them to a stranger. 4.Send them to someone you dislike or with whom you are currently in conflict. 5.Finally, send compassionate thoughts to all living beings."
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
"MR. McCULLOUGH: If you look at the brain of somebody who has just been harmed by someone—they've been ridiculed or harassed or insulted—we can put those people into technology that allows us to see what their brains are doing, right? So we can look at sort of what your brain looks like on revenge. It looks exactly like the brain of somebody who is thirsty and is just about to get a sweet drink to drink or somebody who's hungry who's about to get a piece of chocolate to eat. TIPPETT: It's like the satisfaction of a craving? MR. McCULLOUGH: It is exactly like that. It is literally a craving. What you see is high activation in the brain's reward system. . . . The desire for revenge does not come from some sick dark part of how our minds operate. It is a craving to solve a problem and accomplish a goal."
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
"First, business: poor communication costs us about $37 billion a year, according to a study from training provider Cognisco.4 That boils down to a tally, per worker, of more than $26,000 annually. And that calculation only includes companies with more than one hundred employees. Imagine how much higher that number would be if we included all businesses."
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
"Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and one another through screens—but rarely do they have an opportunity to truly hone their interpersonal communication skills. Admittedly, teenage awkwardness and nerves play a role in difficult conversations. But students' reliance on screens for communication is detracting—and distracting—from their engagement in real-time talk. It might sound like a funny question, but we need to ask ourselves: Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain confident, coherent conversation?"
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
"They found a 40 percent decline in empathy among college students, with the vast majority of that decline taking place after 2000. "The ease of having 'friends' online might make people more likely to just tune out when they don't feel like responding to others' problems," noted an author of the study, "a behavior that could carry over offline."
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
"when a cell phone was present in the room, the participants reported that the quality of their relationship was worse than those who'd talked in a cell phone–free room. The pairs who talked in the rooms with cell phones "also reported feeling less trust and thought their partners showed less empathy if there was a cell phone present."
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
"The researchers concluded that the presence of a cell phone hurt the quality of the conversation and the strength of the connection between the people talking. With a cell phone just sitting on a table in the room! Think of all the times you've sat down to have lunch with a friend or colleague and set your phone on the table. You might have felt virtuous because you didn't pick it up to check your e-mail, but your ignored messages were still undermining your connection with the person sitting across from you. Even if we can manage to"
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
"Shift responses are a hallmark of conversational narcissism. They help you turn the focus constantly back to yourself. But a support response encourages the other person to continue their story. It lets them know you're listening and interested in hearing more."
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
"The most basic of all human needs," said Dr. Ralph Nichols, who pioneered the study of listening, "is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them."
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
― We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter
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